Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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