The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
