How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
