I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dignity is for republicans.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
