is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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