only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
