The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
