i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize