Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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