Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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