Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
