i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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