he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize