I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
