I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
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