I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
