Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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