my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
