Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
