I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
