My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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