dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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