How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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