My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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