Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Alive.
So much puke
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize