i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
