Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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