I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Randomize
