So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
