Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
