Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
