I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
