I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
