So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
