some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
