So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
