Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
