I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
