that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
