Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
