I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
