life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
