Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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