Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
