I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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