So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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