Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
