so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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