1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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