i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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