Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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