I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
