I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
