And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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