I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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