OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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